Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
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[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Cats (2019)
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial