“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
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If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”