Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
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Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
even bears disappoint their mothers
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.