What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
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i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
oh u like geography? name every lake
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”