you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
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I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
dream blunt rotation
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this