MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline