*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
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[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??