Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
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love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE