To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
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She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.