10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
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police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”