straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
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. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
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Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……