Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
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#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.