I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
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Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Happy weekend !