Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
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2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
#Caturday
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*