Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
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Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.