Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
You Might Also Like
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
When can I start eating bats again.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller