my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
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7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*