– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
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Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I thought $3 eggs 馃 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you鈥檙e wondering why i鈥檓 so diabolical
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He鈥檚 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
He a real one for that
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 馃尩
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
My fianc茅e loves to say she鈥檚 color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Body: we鈥檙e exhausted. We鈥檙e going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.