Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
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[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Why is everyone getting married at me
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ