[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
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[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
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[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
The glory of fall.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.