Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.