I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
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You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.