I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
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He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Breaking news:
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”