embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
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What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song