if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
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Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.