Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
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Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
My favorite type of men is ramen.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack