Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
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Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.