It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
You Might Also Like
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
based al yankovic
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”