[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
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So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?