Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
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Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low