Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
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Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My Plans 2020
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha