Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
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Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes