[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
You Might Also Like
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.