You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
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me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
“How’s your day going?”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any