Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.