Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
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date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know