damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
You Might Also Like
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”