[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
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Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish