Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
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[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Optional boss fight.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
The pen is writier than the sword.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven