Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
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The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.