Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
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ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.