me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
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“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.