[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
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My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?