People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
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Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.