A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
time for some seasonal decor
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Just a bush.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.