it’s a van. how do they not know this
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Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
2023 was just a warmup
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.