I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
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me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Lmao 🤣
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
2022 will be better than 2021
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me