Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
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This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”