Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
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Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
pep talk
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.