GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
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Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.